INT. HOME GARAGE - AFTERNOON
Fifth graders BILLY, JAMES, and TORY are all trying to play rock music in their garage band. Written on the drums is the name "Generation X-plosion" in messy spraypaint. Their rock music is painfully bad - discordant, out of tune, with heavy screeching feed back. They jump and play one final note, which sounds awful.
BILLY
(Removing electric guitar)
Man, we'll never make it to the semi-finals! This battle of the bands is a bust.
A foghorn sound effect plays. MOM pokes her head in from the attached kitchen.
MOM
Hey kids, I got you guys something! Open the garage door!
The garage door open and the sunlight begins to shine across the boys faces as they look out to what awaits them on the driveway. They stare with mouths agape, in in rapturous awe. The "Chorus of Angels" sound effect plays. TORY, the drummer, flips up his flip-sunglasses and squints his eyes. The camera then points to the driveway, showing three bright product cases with plastic instruments inside.
BILLY, JAMES & TORY
Rock-Along!(TM)
NARRATOR (V.O.)
(With cheesy, '90s over-the-top bro voice)
That's right, little rockers - it's Rock-Along! With Rock-Along, you'll learn how to play all the hottest, hardest, punk-est, crunk-est tracks in just minutes, and you'll know what it means to be a real, live rock star!
The camera zooms into BILLY's hands as the Rock-Along guitar appears in it. The fret board lights up with neon lights, indicating where to place his fingers to play along.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And you'll go from this...
Camera shows a straight on shot of them playing lackluster music in a dingy garage with their shoulders slumped. A descending distorted guitar note plays.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
To this!
A star wipe cuts to the kids on a stage at a mid-size music venue. They look down at their leather, hair-metal clothes in surprise for a beat, then look at their instruments, and start playing. Pop punk chords play in the background. The crowd cheers.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
To even this!
A star wipe cuts to kids playing a stadium show. The camera zooms back to show thousands of people with their hands in the air, screaming in joy. The words "Generation X-plosion" is light above their heads in flaming letters. We see silhouettes of all the kids pumping their fists into the air.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Of course, to *this*!
A star wipe shows ten-year-old JAMES backstage, snorting a line coke of a models midriff, triggering a kids-show-style "slide whistle" sound effect as he makes his way down the line. A BILLY is drinking straight from a handle of whiskey. TORY is passed out in the corner, handcuffed to a pipe sticking out of the wall.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Eventually to this!
A star wipe shows the kids in a back alley, grungy and coked-out after a show. TORY is holding BILLY back.
BILLY
I can't believe you fucked her! I can't believe you fucked her you big turd munch!
BILLY punches JAMES in the face, triggering a kids-show-style "BONK!" sound effect. JAMES' nose erupts in blood.
JAMES
Fuck you, you fucking dweeb.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Inevitably to this!
A star wipe shows JAMES overdosing with foam erupting from his mouth. He convulses violently as his eyes roll back, triggering a kids-show-style "Cuckoo Clock" sound effect. TORY weeps as he shakes his body trying to wake him up.
TORY
Not like this! Not likes this!
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And possibly even this!
A star wipe reveals ten-year-old BILLY getting arrested with a sixteen-year-old girl crying in the background, eye shadow dripping down her face dramatically. A playful siren sound effect plays in the background. A COP holds BILLY's face to the ground with a gun to his head.
COP
She was underage you little pervert!
BILLY
So am I you fucking pig!
BILLY looks up and spits blood in the COP's face.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And fatefully this!
A star wipe reveals a close up shot of TORY's face. A single tear rolls down his cheek.
TORY
This world is a dark pit from which there is but one escape.
TORY steps forward off a chair and a close up shows his face turn blue as a noose around his neck asphyxiates him. Playful pop punk music still plays in the background.
NARRATOR
That's right kids, you too can live out your rockstar dreams with Rock-Along!
A star wipe reveals the same shot of the kids in the garage from the beginning, except JAMES is an overdosed corpse on the ground, TORY's feet are visibly hanging from the ceiling, and BILLY is in an orange prison jumpsuit. The camera lingers silently on the scene.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Recommended for ages 8 and up. Please ask your parents before getting caught up in a spiral dependency and betrayal. Illicit substances sold separately.
The camera zooms in on BILLY's face. He has a thousand yard stare.
BILLY
(Hollowly)
Rock along... with... Rock-Along.
The camera lingers on BILLY's face staring through the screen, through the audience, without a shred of innocence or optimism left in his body. The stare is maintained for an uncanny amount of time, for just a few seconds too long. He blinks, and the screen cuts to black.
A pop punk chord is hit for a split second while the "Rock-Along(TM)" logo flashes simultaneously.
End scene
INT. POLICE STATION OFFICE - DAY
In the police CHIEF's office, the police CHIEF is reprimanding police officer MAX STEELWORTHY. The CHIEF is red in the face, screaming his lungs out between intermittent drags from a cigar. A cork board sits behind him, displaying a map of Los Angeles with pins and strings pointing to different locations, indicating possibly linked crimes. MAX sits across the desk from him with mirrored aviators, a denim jacket, fingerless gloves, and a powerful nonchalance.
CHIEF
Damnit, Max Steelworthy! That's the third time this month that you've run over an antiquated fruit stand. The commissioner is up my ass on this one, Max.
MAX
(Gravely-voice)
The commissioner? Pffft. The only thing *that* antiquated fruit will stand for is an antiquated fruit stand. He's full of shit and you know it, Chief.
CHIEF
I know we may not always get along, Max, but I respect the hell out of ya. But you're a loose cannon! I'm going to have to ask for your badge and your gun.
A sorrowful, soulful sax tone plays.
MAX
You know I can't do that, Chief.
CHIEF
Max, don't fight me on this, I-
The LIEUTENANT comes bursting into the room. He is a very erratic, high-energy, bumbling man.
LIEUTENANT
Chief, we just received a report - apparently the killer was deathly allergic to citrus. We found him seizing up in his car, which was incidentally covered in orange peels. He's now being treated in police custody!
MAX
Heh... you were saying, Chief?
CHIEF
Goddamnit, Max. You may be a loose cannon, but you're a loose cannon that *gets results!*
They shake hands. The scene ends, and reopens several days later. The scene is the same, except the map behind them has hundreds of pins with yarn string across in incomprehensible patterns.
CHIEF
Christ on a cross, Steelworthy! You started a shootout in a shopping mall and drove your vehicle through the food court - your nearly killed innocent customers! There's tens of thousands in damages! The commissioner is tearing apart my anus on this one, Max.
MAX
I nearly had him, Chief. Nearly had him until your boys came in screwed it all up.
CHIEF
Max, you're a renegade, a rebel, a wildcard! I'm sorry, but the department can't afford to keep you. I'm going to have to ask for your badge and your gun.
A sorrowful, soulful sax tone plays.
MAX
No, chief - my blood runs blue, and you know it. I was born for this.
The LIEUTENANT bursts into the room.
LIEUTENANT
Chief! Did you hear? The perp was caught hiding in the back of a Spencer's gifts! No one ever goes in that store - he could've hidden out there for weeks! Luckily, one of Max's bullets grazed him in the leg so we were able to follow the blood trail right to the penis paraphernalia section.
MAX
Now the only penis-shaped lollipops he'll taste will be his inmate's. Told you, Chief - I always get my man.
CHIEF
Ah hell, Steelworthy - you don't play by the book, you fire-hearted maverick, but you sure as hell get the job done!
They shake hands. The scene ends, and reopens several days later. The scene is the same, except the map behind them has balls of yarn nailed to it.
CHIEF
Well slice off my hand and slap with it, Max! You blew up an *orphanage* while in pursuit of your suspect! The commissioner fist-fucking me on this one, Max.
MAX
Those orphans were in the way between me and my man, Chief. *No one* gets in Max Steelworthy's way.
CHIEF
Max, I know you play by your own rules, but this is inexcusable. I'm going to have to ask for your badge and your gun.
A sorrowful, soulful sax tone plays.
MAX
Chief, you know I'm the best cop on the force.
CHIEF
As true as that may be, I -
The LIEUTENANT bursts into the room. He is pale in the face and seems deeply disturbed.
LIEUTENANT
Hi, um, I think we caught that guy that Steelworthy was after. He returned to the charred remains of the orphanage Max... allegedly... exploded. We found him weeping after the small blackened bones of the innocent dead. He's suffering a complete mental collapse from the guilt he feels, that his petty shoplifting started a police chase that led to hundreds of collateral child casualties.
MAX
That's right, scum like that always return to the scene of the crime.
LIEUTENANT
I mean, this is far more like *your* crime, Max. Aren't you... shaken be this? At all?
CHIEF
Never mind the Lieutenant - good work, Steelworthy! You set a trap and he played right into it. Classic! You're good, Max. You may be a down and out cop with nothing to lose, and debatably a murderous sociopath... but you're a damn fine police officer.
LIEUTENANT
Wait, Chief, you can't be serious. He was responsible for the deaths of hundreds of parentless children!
MAX
Quick to criticize, huh, Lieutenant? And how many perps have *you* brought to justice this year?
LIEUTENANT
Well I have more of a desk job, so that's not really within my jurisdiction and I don't think that's a fair comparison. I think this is distracting from the atrocity at hand -
MAX
So the answer is zero criminals? Pfft. I rest my case.
CHIEF
That's enough bickering, ladies. Now get out there and catch me some crooks! I have to prepare for a meeting with the commissioner.
An overconfident MAX and a visibly disturbed LIEUTENANT leave. The CHIEF takes a ball gag out from a drawer in his desk and wraps in around his mouth. The CHIEF pushes a button on the phone and speaks through slobbering, muffled gags.
CHIEF
Debra? Send in the commissioner.
As the camera pulls back, the CHIEF straightens out his papers and prepares for the meeting in a uncannily normal manner.
End scene.
INT. SUBURBAN KITCHEN - DAY
PAM - a woman in her late 40's - is in her kitchen. She is wearing neon pink sweatshirt, displaying a pair of sandals and the words "BAHAMA MAMA". She is making sandwiches with white bread and mayo, cutting the crusts off, and individually zip-locking them - the crusts in one bag, the remainder in another. JOEY, a spunky young boy, scurries in.
JOEY
Mom! Mom! Can I *please* have $10 dollars for the new Star Striker action figure? Pleeeaaase?
PAM
Well calm down there, you eager little beaver! Listen here.
PAM gets down on one knee, and reaches out to JOEY.
PAM
"Sometimes the things we want to own, end up owning *us*."
JOEY
That's really deep, Mom. But... does that mean that you're not going to give me $10?
PAM
Money can't buy happiness, Joey!
JOEY
(Trudging off, mumbling)
It can totally buy action figures though.
PAM watches him leave with a proud smile, having enlightened another lost soul. She puts her hands on her hips, shakes her head, and gives a long, warm sigh. MARY storms in through the side door of the kitchen.
PAM
Hey, hey, hey - pump the brakes, you moody little manatee! Now march back in here and tell me what's got you all in a huff!
MARY
Please, Mom, just... not now, okay?
PAM
Not now? But why not *now?* Tsk, tsk, tsk... Mary...
PAM takes MARY's hands.
PAM
"Yesterday was history. Tomorrow is a mystery. But now - right now - is a gift. Which -"
MARY
Is why God called it "the present" - yeah, I know, Mom.
PAM
Well then spit it out, you stuttering little spider monkey! What's got you all bad-tempered and bothered?
MARY
God... My boyfriend cheated on me with Jackie.
PAM
But Jackie's your best friend!
MARY
Yeah, I know, Mom!
PAM
But... a friendship is the only ship that is unsinkable!
MARY
Well apparently it can sink low enough to give a handjob during a matinee of "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas."
PAM covers her mouth.
PAM
Oh my word, I... ummm...
PAM reaches for nervously out of her element, shuffles over to her tearaway calendar. Each day has a different inspiring quote.
MARY
Mom, come on, don't resort to that "Quote of the Day" calendar!
PAM
Mary, don't blame me that these 365 pages are packed with poignancy and inspiration applicable to everyday life!
MARY
You're reading it right now! That's an exact quote from the back of it.
PAM looks down, is embarrassed that she is caught, flips over the calendar and puts it back.
MARY
Mom, just talk to me, okay? I just don't know what to do. With Jackie and my now "ex," Keith.
PAM reaches for the calendar.
MARY
Mom, don't.
PAM shuffles over to Mary.
PAM
Well... "They say it's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."
MARY
Mom, stop it with these platitudes!
(Sobbing)
I would rather none of this ever happened in the first place! I just wish I had a best friend to help me through this, but now I'm all alone. I just feel so profoundly alone right now.
PAM
It's always darkest before dawn, Mary - things will look better in the morning.
MARY
Maybe... maybe things will be better if I just sleep it off. Sleep everything off. Being awake, being aware of this pain... it's all just too agonizing to bear.
PAM and MARY hug.
MARY
The sleeping pills are in the bathroom, right?
PAM nods, smiling.
MARY
Okay... good night, Mom.
MARY weakly smiles before sulking off. PAM puts her hands on her hips, shakes her head, and gives a long, warm sigh. MAX enters. His eyes are hollow, his face is pale - he is deeply disturbed.
PAM
Hey now, where are you soullessly shambling off to, you little vacant-eyed vulture, you!
MAX
Oh... hey. I, uh... I just got back from the hospital. It was worse than I could have imagined.
PAM
"Things always get worse before they get better."
MAX
I guess... but Chris had to have both his legs amputated. I just... I feel so horrible. So racked with guilt.
MAX is lost in his tortured thoughts. PAM shuffles back over to her tearaway calendar. She begins flipping through them, desperate to find an applicable quote.
PAM
Hey, buster brown! Look here. "Time heals all wounds."
MAX
Not amputations, Mom! Those don't heal! Legs don't just grow back! No matter how long you wait. I just... I can't believe I caused all this. Why the hell did I go drunk driving that night? Why am I so stupid, so goddamned stupid.
PAM
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?"
MAX
But Chris is far worse off now than he ever was...
PAM
No, just... aha! "With great power comes great responsibility."
MAX
That's what they told us the first day in driving school! Oh god, what have I done...
MAX begins wailing sobs. PAM flips through the calendar.
PAM
I just, oh for pete's sake, c'mon! Ah! Here. "C'est la vie."
A pause. A dark awareness sweeps across MAX's face.
MAX
Yes... I suppose you're right. Heh. "Such is life." Though I am no francophile, those words ring true. Nothing matters. Nothing matters in this stinking pisspot of a planet - we are all just delusional, violent animals floating on a rock in the unfeeling, entropic void of space. All we do is hurt. Hurt each other. Hurt this planet. Hurt ourselves. My life is already tarnished. My soul is already blackened. A mass extinction is necessary, and I am it's arbiter. I am the Angel of Death. I am the Divine Hammer. This world begs for a mercy killing and I will be its butcher.
MAX absently drifts out out of the room.
PAM
(Calling after MAX)
The road to hell is paved with good intentions!"
PAM puts her hands on her hips, shakes her head, and gives a long, warm sigh. She walks back to the sandwiches and resumes cutting and storing the crusts.
PAM
You know what they say about parenting...
PAM licks a glob of mayonnaise of the knife.
PAM
It's like nailing Jell-o to a tree!
The camera iris-ins on PAM (a la 1950's television), creating a small pinhole around her smiling face. 1950's big band credit music sweeps in. Behind PAM in the iris, we see JOEY hopping up into frame, waving an RX bottle.
JOEY
Mom! Mom! Mary won't wake up!
PAM doesn't react, she continues staring down the barrel of the camera, holding a perfectly, eerily still smile.
JOEY
Mom? Mom! Mom, she needs to go to the hospital!
The music swells and increases in volume into no noise is audible, only JOEY jumping up and down, mutely screaming and tugging on PAM's hair. He is pulling it hard, visibly tugging at the flesh of her scalp. The music grows to a volume that sounds like an inaudible wall of sound. The pain is so great that PAM looks down, with a brief look of crazed scorn. The scene immediately goes black. The words "The End" are spelled across the screen in old-timey cursive font. The abrasive wall of sound plays on.
End scene
The following is an excerpt from a full-length stage play I wrote called "Tick, Tick" - a magical realist drama discussing the subjectivity of time and morality through the lens of a Middle Eastern city under U.S. military occupation in the late 1990's. It is currently in undergoing editing and is being considered for performance in the D.C. area. I am unable to post the entire play online, but here are the first two scenes of the soon-to-be-published "Tick, Tick":
Act I, Scene I
(The spotlight focuses on a middle-aged man. The spotlight is a clear circle, with a line protruding from it that connects to the center of the stage. He is laying in the fetal position, awakened by a loud, metal crunching noise. The noise is the winding of gears but at a great scale. He awakes with a start, sitting up.)
KHARO: Oh, holy God! What was that? (Rubs eyes) Where in His name am I? Where… hello? Hello out there! Is anyone able to hear me? Can anyone hear me at all? If… if this is Abasin, you do not scare me! You do not scare me one bit, Abasin, and these cheap tactics of yours won’t work on me!
(KHARO shifts weight, becoming nervous at the non-response.)
Abasin? Is it you, Abasin? This… this isn’t good for you, Abasin, I don’t want you to get in any more trouble – what will Ranra say? Abasin, you’re a good man, you’re just confused, and I know that you mean well, but –
(The metal noise repeats itself, louder, longer, and fuller.)
(Scared) Whoever this is, you needn’t to do this! This is our country, and I know we both just want what’s best for it and –
(The metal noise repeats at length, until starting a clockwork contraption into gear. A tick, tick, tick begins in time, and a projection of a giant, otherworldly clock covers the stage. KHARO is on the minute hand, and a YOUNG MOTHER and a YOUNG GIRL are on the minute and second hands, respectively. Both the YOUNG GIRL and the YOUNG MOTHER are moving, the girl skipping a speedy clip clockwise, as her projected clock hand follows her. The YOUNG MOTHER moves slower, but her projected hand follows her as well. KHARO moves imperceptively slow throughout the scene, and moves clockwise, as well. The clock has started at 12:01.)
Oh my, oh my Allah. (To YOUNG MOTHER) Ma’am. Ma’am. Excuse me, ma’am, where are we, what is this? Can you hear me, ma’am? Are you alright? Please, ma’am, listen to me. I am just terribly confused and – (To YOUNG GIRL, as she skips passed) Little miss! Can you hear me? Little miss, please come back! Little miss, I mean you no harm! (YOUNG GIRLS skips away, unaware) (To YOUNG MOTHER) Ma’am! Please, slow down, speak with me, please! Is this young one your daughter? Is she? Ma’am, listen to me! (To YOUNG GIRL) Girl, where are you going, please don’t run, clocks are fragile, you’ll break the quartz! (To ALL) Can anyone hear me? Can either of you hear me? (KHARO begins to scream upwards) Where are we?! What is this place? What is this clock made of? … What is this clock?
(Without noticing, KHARO has slowly moved forward, and soon after this brief monologue his clock hand strikes 1:00. The projection fades, the stage is completely black. A bell strikes once.)
Act I, Scene 2
(The stage lights back up, and KHARO is under the spotlight with the protruding line again. The rest of the clock is not present. The line fades back to the spotlit area, and another spotlight is turned onto SHAPOOR sits at a wooden café table, with an empty seat across from him. SHAPOOR has a book swathed in cloth. Several stones and small bones lay across the table; food and plates have been set aside to make way for the trinkets)
KHARO: …Shapoor?
SHAPOOR: You made it! You’re late, my friend! For a watchmaker, one would think that punctuality would be your specialty! (Laughs) Oh, I should better by now. One surrounded by time likely gets lost in it, yes?
KHARO: Sorry friend, the clocks have way trapping you. So why this sudden meal, my friend? You couldn’t wait until next week? I know you have tendency to relish my company more than your wife’s, and I am the last person who could blame you – I am delightful! (They both laugh) But in all honesty, my friend, why the suddenness? Is anything the matter?
SHAPOOR: No, no, no – do not worry yourself. I just needed a childhood friend to indulge me in a childhood game, is all. When things get too hard, it’s nice to be the boy you bring out in me. You are you like water for the soul, Kharo.
KHARO: I will accept your compliment with as much modesty as is possible, Shapoor. Now, let’s clean this table, though it looks like you are already set up! An anxious beast you are. (Flicks pebble, knocking small round bone off the table). I believe that’s one for me.
SHAPOOR: Actually, before we destroy this table with our garbage and throwaway things, take a look at these. (Takes out cloth from pocket, opening it, revealing jewels.) Remarkable, right? Like little suns in your hand.
KHARO: Without a dial, what use is the sun? I kid, these are beautiful, Shapoor, simple beautiful. What do you plan to do with them? (KHARO carefully aims a small bone, flicks it, and knocks a gem off the table)
SHAPOOR: Hey! You don’t see me coming in your shop and tossing about all your gears and trinkets and whatever-in-all-fucks itty bitty pieces of metal you have on your wall! And I’ll have you know that’s YOUR gem you’re risking. (He picks the gem of the floor, polishes it, and places it back on the cloth)
KHARO: My gem? What do you mean “my gem?” You’re so tight with your pockets, it’s amazing your thighs don’t lose circulation, so I doubt you’re giving me a ruby as a mere “thank you” for being your soul’s water or what have you.
SHAPOOR: Pffft, you’re so open with your pockets, Kharo, it’s amazing your little member doesn’t fall into the sand. I am serious though, let us stop teasing for a moment: listen now, Kharo. I want you to embed these four gems into a watch face for my little Panra. She is getting to be thirteen next month – and close to that age where she’ll start being late home for reasons I would rather be ignorant of. I’d like to give her something nice – and give me a reason to yell at her for her likely untimeliness. (They both laugh.)
KHARO: It’d be my pleasure, Shapoor. This is a real honor to work with your gems , I mean that – we never have collaborated like this before. Then again, your grandchildren could lead you to move mountains, couldn’t she? But thank you for trusting me with this; I will make something beautiful for her, you have my word.
SHAPOOR: I don’t doubt you will, Kharo. I don’t doubt you will. Oh, and one more thing: this time, actually for you. (Picks up book and passes it.) Here, my friend.
KHARO: (Mock-affectionately) Shapoor… what is it? You really know how to make a lady feel special, you know.
SHAPOOR: Oh, hush up, Kharo. Just open it, you horse’s ass.
KHARO: (Unwraps cloths, astonished) The Collected Notes of Jost Bürgi? Where did you find this, I didn’t even know these were all collected in one place!
SHAPOOR: Now, now, let’s not get all caught up and how’s and when’s, but I found a replica of them, and I know he’s one of your favorite dead white men.
KHARO: One of my favorites? Perhaps my dead white man of all! He helped develop the first charts of the stars, even worked with Johannes Kepler and taught him a thing or two! He saw the inside of a clock the way that astronomers saw the night sky. He made clocks precise enough to finally be used in scientific experiments! And he invented the cross-beat escapement, which –
SHAPOOR: Please, please, you’ve said enough, you’re very welcome –
KHARO: No, no, no, I’m almost done, I see what you’re doing. This is interesting, Shapoor. He invented this improved escapement in watches that made them precise to the minute, which was never close to possible before! Do you know what an escapement is?
SHAPOOR: Of course, Kharo.
KHARO: No you don’t – don’t lie to me! An escapement is a device that catches the teeth in a clock’s primary gear; it exchanges energy with the timekeeping element, causing oscillations in a clock. So every time you hear a clock “ticking,” it’s the gear catching after it “escapes,” you see. Each tick of a clock is energy transferring, oscillations being counted and time being written, recorded mechanically, and fading away to yet another tick. Tick. Tick. There’s so much happening in each tick that it’s hard to imagine that it’s all taking place in the window of a second. That’s what an escapement is, Shapoor: only the recording of time, and all the amazing happenings captured in the dense distance that it covers. Every second is a gift from Allah, my friend, and it is our great blessing to track every one.
SHAPOOR: Wow… and do you know how many ticks the clock ticked during that explanation, you little scholar? Did you practice that charming speech in the mirror all week?
KHARO: Oh shut up, Shapoor! (His face softens.) But thank you so, so much for this. But what is this… why all of a sudden? I’m not complaining, but you know, these things are a little out of character for someone so steadfast with their pocketbook.
SHAPOOR: I, well… I wanted to see you for something else besides our game, Kharo. And besides the watch and this book. I’m… I might not be around for a bit.
KHARO: Where are you going? Are you heading to visit your little ones’ little ones overseas?
SHAPOOR: No, no, too many of those children are brats anyways. I… I’ve learned I have a tumor, Kharo. I have thought so for some time, but I have recently learned for certain. I don’t know the timeframe and I don’t know what it will be like in a year’s time, but I just wanted to let you know. I didn’t want you to show up to the café one day without me, and “that would be that,” so to speak. I wouldn’t want you thinking I just deserted our little games; I wouldn’t want you to think something awful happened.
KHARO: Shapoor… Shapoor. So you’re saying you’ll be under the knife for awhile? How long is the recovery time for the surgery?
SHAPOOR: No, Kharo, there’s no knife, there’s only the axe, and me waiting for it to drop.
KHARO: But why – why? You didn’t want me to think something awful is happened – but something awful is happening! You’re going to die, and you’re not even going to try to fight it?! It’s not like you’re short of money, Shapoor!
SHAPOOR: You can’t bribe tumors, Kharo, and this one seems particularly dedicated to its morals. I am a broken toy beyond repair. The most this broken toy can do is play before he has to be disposed of.
KHARO: But why not try? What’s the harm in trying surgery?
SHAPOOR: I’d rather save all that money for my grandchildren – not that my purse has ever been your business, Kharo.
KHARO: But they’ll be fine, and even if they weren’t, I mean, we were what, 20, 21 when we started our shops?
SHAPOOR: I know we were, Kharo, but shouldn’t we let them wait? Shouldn’t we give them just a little bit longer before we strap them down with the anchors of adulthood? What’s another year or two of youth for a dozen of my grandchildren compared to a few more months for a sick, old man in a hospital bed? No, no… I’ve had enough. I’ve had my fill, and my fun, and I’ve been more blessed our God than is fair. It was only a matter of time until it caught up and, honestly, I think the scales of judgment shifted their weights at a rather leisurely pace, considering my blessings.
KHARO: But what… what will your family think? Won’t they pressure you to undergo some sort of treatment? They won’t just let you die!
SHAPOOR: They won’t think a thing, my friend. I won’t tell them; I’m just old, and it will be “one of those things.”
KHARO: Then… then why are you telling me?! Why are you burdening me with this?
SHAPOOR: Because I knew that someone who understood time so well could understand how precious the little that is left to me is. No, Kharo, I need you to help me plan my final “vacation.” I need to say goodbye to my family, and once I return, I would to like to say goodbye to you. As scary as this hanging shadow may be, I have to come to peace with this. All that’s left now is precious, precious time.
(Noticing KHARO’s discomfort, reaches forward to touch his hand)
Please… I need someone to share this pain with, someone who can keep a secret, and someone who I trust.
KHARO: (Chuckling, with an emotionless face) … Do you know what an escapement is, Shapoor? (They both look up, make eye contact, and smile)
(The scene fades to black, the spotlight turns onto KHARO in the fetal position in his spotlight with a line, and then the rest of the clock fades in, moving as it did before with the YOUNG WOMAN and YOUNG GIRL, starting at 1:01.)
Happily Ever After Rehab
SETTING
CHARACTERS |
Beast – Large male, long hair, costume includes prop animal ears and facepaint
Hansel – White male, in lederhosen and traditional German wear
Gretel – White male or female, dressed to be a female, in lederhosen and traditional German wear
Dr. Anne Smart – Female, with reading glasses and pantsuit, carrying binder
Peter Pan – Young-looking, particularly thin male or female, dressed to be male, in green tights
Prince Charming – Glamorous-looking male, preferably muscular with as form-fitting clothes as possible
Princess 1 – Male or female, dressed to be a female, in a flowing dress with a veil
Princess 2 – Male or female, dressed to be a female, in a flowing dress with a veil
Princess 3 – Male or female, dressed to be a female, in a flowing dress with a veil
PROPS |
For BEAST: Candlestick, Pot, Teacup, Rose, Case for Rose
For CHARMING: Boombox, Bluetooth
For PETER PAN: Small pouch, Glitter (“Fairy Dust”)
For SMART: Binder
Coffee Table
6 Folding Chairs
Laser Pointer (as Tinkerbell)
[The BEAST sits in the corner, surrounded by various objects, brooding. Before him is a rose. Peter Pan comes in, pinching fairy dust over himself, visibly tweaking with each pinch]
SCENE
PETER PAN: C’mon, Tink! I need another pinch of fairy dust! I can’t get through one of these rehab meetings without it! These load of crinkly old freaks are so – [BEAST sobs] – Oh… hey, Beast. How’s it going? Found your beauty yet?
BEAST: No. Well, not technically. There’s this one girl –
PETER PAN: That’s great, Beast! Hey, did you know I’m graduating today! Me! Who never grows up! Graduating! Hahaha, so crazy, so crazy! Wonder how the lost boys are doing, still living in a tree, I bet! Just got out of my halfway home! Landlord was so overbearing, know what I’m saying?
BEAST: Yeah, I guess so. This one time –
PETER PAN: I know! So annoying! So the weather’s pretty good, today, huh? Not too hot, not too cold, perfect weather for flying! Flying high! [PETER PAN laughs neurotically as HANSEL and GRETEL skip in, carrying in a 6pack of Slimfast.] Hey, it’s those German kids! Hey, German kids! Gutentag, ya?! My goodness, you’ve been hitting up those strudels, haven’t ya? [Laughs]
HANSEL: Leave us alone, ya? We’re making progress! We’re trying out the Taco Bell Drive-Thru diet!
PETER PAN: Hahahaha, Taco Bell? Haha, more like Taco Smell, amiright? Or more like Taco Shells, amiright? Wait, that might actually make sense. Well, you know what doesn’t make sense? That diet, it’s no good for you, just like this rehab class! Ain’t no good for any of us, especially those of us who don’t want to grow up.
HANSEL: Let’s go to our seat, ja? Don’t mind him, he’s just a 10 year old. Have another Slim-Fast, buttercup.
GRETEL: Danke, Hansel! You got meatloaf, mein favorite flavor!
HANSEL: Only the best for you, sweetie!
SMART: Take your seats, everyone. The session will start in 5 minuteeessssss…. [SMART’s voice slows as everyone comes to a freezing stop, as though time has stopped. The BEAST stares longingly at SMART. The BEAST can move, as though giving a soliloquy in a Shakespeare play, the power of his love for her has made time standstill. During all of this, GRETEL’s Slimfast has been actively moving, and has been spilling on her shirt]
BEAST: There she is. My princess in a pantsuit… Those black rimmed eyeglasses are such a noble frame for her auburn eyes. [BEAST sighs as he picks up an ordinary teapot] Mrs. Pots, what ought I do? I know the time is running short, the rose is on its last petal, but I don’t want to move too fast! Girls like guys who play it cool; I can’t seem too eager. [Waits, as though the teapot is speaking] Mrs. Pots, you’re so out of touch! My, how I pine for you, Dr. Anne Smart… [The BEAST returns to his original blocking, and time resumes]
GRETEL: Oh, weintershitzel! I’m covered in candy juice! How did this happen?!
HANSEL: I don’t know! It vas like black magic or somezing!
SMART: Er… the session will start in 30 seconds, apparently. [SMART coughs, composing herself] Take your seats, please.
GRETEL: Hold on, I’m a mess!
HANSEL: I’ll clean you up, my little cupcake!
GRETEL: Oh, careful now! Watch your hands, Hansel. Alright. That’s enough now. Please, please stop. Brother, Brother!
HANSEL: Sorry, my little butterfinger. And you know I don’t like it when you call me brother.
GRETEL: Whatever, I’m clean, I’m fine. Thank you. [GRETEL is visibly uncomfortable and upset as they walk to their seats and sit down]
PETER PAN: Wow, that was really awkward! Hansel, what’s your deal with Gretel?! So weird! You guys are all about, what’s the word, incense?
SMART: Please sit down, Mr. Pan. [SMART smiles] Or should we say, Mr. Graduate?
PETER PAN: Yeah! Today’s the day, can you believe it?! I barely can! Haha, man these seats aren’t too comfy though… [PETER PAN trails off]
SMART: You, too, Mr. Beast. In your chair, please.
BEAST: Ok, sure, I mean, alright. [BEAST gathers up his objects, laughing awkwardly. He whispers to the teapot] I will ask her out today, Mrs. Pots! I will! Just give me some time to soften her up.
SMART: Now, Mr. Beast.
BEAST: Right, coming! Haha. Let me just gather up “the gang.” Haha. You know how they can be. [The BEAST drops objects as he approaches his seat, apologizing as he bumps into others]
SMART: You all are looking nice and contented this morning. As usual, we have a truancy among the group. [Fanfare plays on boombox offstage] Oh, speak of the devil.
CHARMING: [CHARMING tucks in his shirt as he enters] Sorry all, I had to [Clearing throat] walk the dog this morning. You know how he is.
SMART: Nice of you to join us, Mr. Charming.
CHARMING: My pleasure, babe. Meeting wouldn’t be the same without me, now would it?
GRETEL: Is my hair all clean? Do I look fat in this dress?
PETER PAN: Hahahaa, got your eyes on the prince, do ya? Charming’s go one rule: No Fatties! Pffft!
HANSEL: You look beautiful, peppermint! You’re always beautiful to me.
GRETEL: Shhh. I have to look sexy and aloof for mein Charming.
SMART: A few announcements while we wait: Mr. Dumpty won’t be joining us for a while, he’s had some difficulties of late, and will be returning the center for a while…
PETER PAN: I heard Humpty Dumpy fell off the wagon. Hah!
SMART: …as well all know, Mr. Wolf had some legal issues considering the incident with Little Red Riding Hood. They seem to be clearing, so he ought to be rejoining us within the month.
PETER PAN: Ha! Can you say “pedo”?
SMART: …and next week, the Emperor will be joining us for a brief period, or at least until his lawsuit his settled after his famous, er, “New Clothes episode” last week.
PETER PAN: Indecent exposure! Hahahaha, what a dirty old man!
SMART: Mr. Pan, would you please!
PETER PAN: Sorry, Smart. [PETER PAN motions as though zipping his lips. Though his lips are sealed, her still mumbles and motions as though he were speaking normally]
CHARMING: That’s better, I suppose?
GRETEL: Ja. Much better. [GRETEL flutters her eyelashes at CHARMING]
SMART: Now that that’s over with, it’s time to get on with the session. Remember, class, what are we all after?
ALL: [In monotone] Our happily ever after…
SMART: That’s right. Now, firstly –
CHARMING: I have an announcement!
SMART: [Sighing] Mr. Charming, is the necessary –
CHARMING: Necessary? But of course. Especially for you, my foxy lady, for you are cordially invited to [More fanfare plays] PRINCE CHARMING’s ANNUAL BRO BALL (Princesses get in for free, so be sure to bring some).
GRETEL: [Clapping excitedly] Really? Am I invited, too?
CHARMING: Haha, sure, why not… You’re uh, Gertrude, right?
GRETEL: Ja, if that’s what you’d like to call me… [GRETEL gazes into CHARMING’s eyes, CHARMING is visibly uncomfortable]
SMART: Is that all, Mr. Charming?
CHARMING: Yes… for now, my little kitten. [Growls lecherously]
SMART: Very good. Now to move oh…onnn…onnn [SMART sneezes] Mr. Beast! What did we discuss about that flower! You can’t bring it in here; I have a pollen allergy!
BEAST: [Clutching the wilting rose to his chest] But, when the last petal falls…
SMART: That’s enough. The flower is just an external representation of your own aversion to a long term relationship. You personify in the rose because it lets you see your relationships as though they are on a “timer.” The wilting of those petals represents an eventuality that you can chalk up to being out of your control. It’s a scapegoat, Mr. Beast, a textbook scapegoat, and we can move past it, but you have to be willing to accept the truth of the matter first.
BEAST: Right… you’re right. I know it. But… there’s still hope for me. I can still fall in love… and be loved, right?
SMART: I don’t see why not, Mr. Beast. Now cover up that rose.
BEAST: [Enthusiastically] Right away! [Talking to a candle] Lumiere, I’m doing it! She just said she loved me! [Beat] What do you mean, of course she did, weren’t you listening?!
PETER PAN: [Unzips mouth] Hey could we get a move on, already! I want to graduate sometime this year! Anyone ever seen the movie “The Graduate”? And here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson, la la la la…
SMART: Mr. Pan is right – enough of this lollygagging. Hansel, you’ve been pleasantly silent this entire time. How goes your fight against childhood obesity?
HANSEL: Wunderbar! As we were telling Peter earlier, we’re on the Taco Bell Drive Thru diet, and have made great strides. We now do toe-touches before every snack, which has really helped trim down my waistline, ja? [HANSEL gets up and touches his toes] But I couldn’t do it without my little Cinnabon, here!
GRETEL: Danke, brother. Yes, I’ve lost a great lot of weight, too. But there’s nothing wrong with a full-bodied woman, right, Prince Charming?
CHARMING: Me? Hah, of course not. Some guys are really into that. Just look at Aladdin’s google-search historyyyy…[Time slows to a pause]
BEAST: Look how helpful she is. Trying to find explanation for my dying rose, and moving right on to help out these poor fat Germans. She has such compassion for others’ problems, while not even touching on her own! She sees right through Charming’s square jaw, thick biceps, and wavy hair. That’s right, Chip, he is a toolbag! Alright; Mrs. Pots, Lumiere, let’s do it – let’s break a curse! [Time resumes, CHARMING has drooled all over his shirt]
GRETEL: Oh, sauerkraut! It happened again!
SMART: I’m not sure what’s happening here, but we really don’t have time for anymore of these supernatural interruptions. Let’s move on, and at least chart our progress before the meeting ends. Mr. Charming, have you had any luck with your fear of commitment in your relationships?
CHARMING: Well, I wouldn’t ever say that I’m a one-woman man, [Laughs] but I met this one girl at a Starbucks last week, Aurora. From her name, I’d say she was a stripper, but that’s never stopped me before [Laughs; his cellphone rings] Oops, sorry. [Into phone] Hello? Oh, hey you. Of course I know who this is. Haha. Prove it? Why, I’m so offended that you would… er, well… Snow White? [Phone clicks] Ah, well. There’s plenty more where that came from, right, Peter? [CHARMING elbows PETER, PETER does “snap-guns” to CHARMING, the entire class stares on in shock] So… yeah, I’ve been making progress.
SMART: Right. And Beast, what about you? I see you’re still talking to inanimate objects… are they at least speaking less?
BEAST: Well, you know how Chip is, such a rowdy fella. Can’t keep his trap shut for a minute. [Realizes his embarrassment] But the rest are well-behaved, I suppose, if that’s what you mean?
SMART: Not exactly… but that’s okay. And how goes your battle against depression?
BEAST: Alright. I still spend most of my time up in the study, but coming here… and talking to you… it’s really added some light into my life. It’s like “there’s something there that wasn’t there before…”
SMART: Well, I’m glad you find these meetings productive. And you seem to be a bit happier than usual, which is good to see.
BEAST: Yes, and I would be even happier if you’d let me make you happy, Anne.
SMART: Please, Mr. Beast, don’t refer to me by my first name –
BEAST: If you’d let me love you, I’d have a castle for you!
SMART: Mr. Beast, please, don’t do this to yourself –
BEAST: I’ve got a huge library! With books on psychology, if you’d like! You could eat a feast every night, and wear the finest dresses! Please, my life depends on it! [BEAST grabs SMART by the pantsleg, sobbing] I love you, Annie! My Princess Annie! Be my guest! Be my guest… be my guest… [Everyone sits for a moment in awkward shock]
PETER PAN: Ahahhahahahahaha, awkwaaaard! Last time I checked, Smart wasn't really into the beastiality scene, bub!
SMART: [Regaining composure] Mr. Pan, please! Mr. Beast, return to your seat, or I’ll have to ask you to leave for the remainder of the session.
BEAST: Ok, Annie. Er, Dr. Smart. [BEAST gathers his objects and retreats to the corner of the room]
CHARMING: Now that that’s out of the way, I have a proposition for you, Ms. Smart.
SMART: Doctor Smart.
CHARMING: Whatever, babe. As I mentioned, coming up is PRINCE CHARMING’s ANNUAL BRO BALL [Tries to play fanfare on boombox, but the boombox isn’t working]. Whatever. Anyways, I would like you to be my Babe of Honor.
GRETEL: [Distressed] NEIN!
SMART: As flattering as it would be to be your “Babe of Honor,” [Shudders] I’m going to have to politely decline. It’s just that… er… I couldn’t breach the psychiatrist/patient relationship! I’m sure you understand.
CHARMING: Then I’ll just have to fire you, won’t I? Then there will be no boundaries.
PETER PAN: Ahahaaha, looks like the Prince is playing hardball!
SMART: That is an outrage! Don’t even think of such a prospect, or you’ll never be allowed in Happily Ever After Rehab ever again!
CHARMING: Alright, alright, no need to get all feminist-y on me…
SMART: Of all the nerve… sit down, Mr. Charming. [Sits down, crosses arms, mumbling something about Alice Walker]
GRETEL: If there’s still a space, I’d like to fill it, Mein Charming.
PETER PAN: I don’t think you can fit into any space Charming’s got open. [Laughs]
CHARMING: [Feigns checking cellphone] Uh, actually, party just filled up. Sorry, babe, maybe next year.
HANSEL: Your always welcome to my birthday party, mein little Baby Ruth.
GRETEL: [Stands up, in hysterics] What, you mean you chowing down on a cake the size of a boogie board while listening to 99 Luftballoons! No danke. I’m sorry, I have to leave, Dr. Smart. See you next week.
HANSEL: Wait, wait, my tiny little Nutrageous! [HANSEL follows GRETEL out]
SMART: While we’ve still got time, let’s help you graduate, Mr. Pan.
PETER PAN: Hot diggity dog! Hear that, Tink? It’s time to grow up!
SMART: Come up here, and place your hand on the Rehab Center Rulebook. [PETER PAN places his hand on the book, and repeats SMART’s words hurriedly]
SMART: I have overcome my vices, and have found my Happily Ever After. I have learned respect for myself and others, and am ready to begin a new chapter in my fairy tale.
PETER PAN: I have overcome the vices, have found my Ever After. I’ve learned about respect and Aretha Franklin and chapters and all that stuff!
SMART: [Exasperated] Alright, just sign the bottom here, and you’re an official graduate, Mr. Pan!
PETER PAN: Yeah! Alright… [Reaches in pocket for pen, and fairy dust falls all across the stage] My fairy dust!
SMART: You’re still hitting up the dust?! Mr. Pan, I thought you were better than this! I have to get security in here… Come with me! [Pulls Peter Pan away like a dog as he tries to pinch fairy dust all over himself]
PETER PAN: Hahahahaaa! Give up on me, Smart, I’ll never grow up! Lost boys, daddy’s coming home! [SMART and PETER PAN exit. After they leave, the last rose falls on BEAST’s flower]
BEAST: Oh, no…. oh no… no no no no no no!
CHARMING: Did you finish playing “She loves me, loves me not?” Hah.
BEAST: It’s dead. It’s over. Everything I’ve worked for is over!
CHARMING: Come now, Beastie. There could be worse things than being Chewbacca for the rest of your life. You’re at least housebroken, right?
BEAST: Why you… I’ll tear you limb from limb – [BEAST charges towards CHARMING, before her reaches him, he’s interrupted]
PRINCESS 1: [Screams from offstage] There he is!
CHARMING: Uh oh… [A horde of PRINCESSES come storming in, they push CHARMING on the floor, kicking and beating him]
PRINCESS 1: This is for never calling me back!
PRINCESS 2: This is for making me pay for that steak dinner!
PRINCESS 3: This is for tricking me into kissing his frog!
BEAST: See you later, “Charming”. Haha. [BEAST picks up a folding chair and gives it to PRINCESS 1, who uses it to beat CHARMING. BEAST exits*
PRINCESS 1: I think he’s dead.
PRINCESS 2: He’s just lying there.
PRINCESS 3: Nothing new. [They all laugh and exit. CHARMING lays unconscious on the ground, his clothes torn]
GRETEL: [GRETEL re-enters] Sorry, I left mein slim-fast… [Sees unconscious CHARMING] Oh… wunderbar! [Brings a finger to her lips]
END SCENE