PLATITUDE PARENT

BY: DAVID CLIFFORD TURNER

INT. SUBURBAN KITCHEN - DAY

PAM - a woman in her late 40's - is in her kitchen. She is wearing neon pink sweatshirt, displaying a pair of sandals and the words "BAHAMA MAMA". She is making sandwiches with white bread and mayo, cutting the crusts off, and individually zip-locking them - the crusts in one bag, the remainder in another. JOEY, a spunky young boy, scurries in.

JOEY
Mom! Mom! Can I *please* have $10 dollars for the new Star Striker action figure? Pleeeaaase?

PAM
Well calm down there, you eager little beaver! Listen here.

PAM gets down on one knee, and reaches out to JOEY.

PAM
"Sometimes the things we want to own, end up owning *us*."

JOEY
That's really deep, Mom. But... does that mean that you're not going to give me $10?

PAM
Money can't buy happiness, Joey!

JOEY
(Trudging off, mumbling)
It can totally buy action figures though.

PAM watches him leave with a proud smile, having enlightened another lost soul. She puts her hands on her hips, shakes her head, and gives a long, warm sigh. MARY storms in through the side door of the kitchen.

PAM
Hey, hey, hey - pump the brakes, you moody little manatee! Now march back in here and tell me what's got you all in a huff!

MARY
Please, Mom, just... not now, okay?

PAM
Not now? But why not *now?* Tsk, tsk, tsk... Mary...

PAM takes MARY's hands.

PAM
"Yesterday was history. Tomorrow is a mystery. But now - right now - is a gift. Which -"

MARY
Is why God called it "the present" - yeah, I know, Mom.

PAM
Well then spit it out, you stuttering little spider monkey! What's got you all bad-tempered and bothered?

MARY
God... My boyfriend cheated on me with Jackie.

PAM
But Jackie's your best friend!

MARY
Yeah, I know, Mom!

PAM
But... a friendship is the only ship that is unsinkable!

MARY
Well apparently it can sink low enough to give a handjob during a matinee of "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas."

PAM covers her mouth.

PAM
Oh my word, I... ummm...

PAM reaches for nervously out of her element, shuffles over to her tearaway calendar. Each day has a different inspiring quote.

MARY
Mom, come on, don't resort to that "Quote of the Day" calendar!

PAM
Mary, don't blame me that these 365  pages are packed with poignancy and inspiration applicable to everyday life!

MARY
You're reading it right now! That's an exact quote from the back of it.

PAM looks down, is embarrassed that she is caught, flips over the calendar and puts it back.

MARY
Mom, just talk to me, okay? I just don't know what to do. With Jackie and my now "ex," Keith.

PAM reaches for the calendar.

MARY
Mom, don't.

PAM shuffles over to Mary.

PAM
Well... "They say it's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."

MARY
Mom, stop it with these platitudes!
(Sobbing)
I would rather none of this ever happened in the first place! I just wish I had a best friend to help me through this, but now I'm all alone. I just feel so profoundly alone right now.

PAM
It's always darkest before dawn, Mary - things will look better in the morning.

MARY
Maybe... maybe things will be better if I just sleep it off. Sleep everything off. Being awake, being aware of this pain... it's all just too agonizing to bear.

PAM and MARY hug.

MARY
The sleeping pills are in the bathroom, right?

PAM nods, smiling.

MARY
Okay... good night, Mom.

MARY weakly smiles before sulking off. PAM puts her hands on her hips, shakes her head, and gives a long, warm sigh. MAX enters. His eyes are hollow, his face is pale - he is deeply disturbed.

PAM
Hey now, where are you soullessly shambling off to, you little vacant-eyed vulture, you!

MAX
Oh... hey. I, uh... I just got back from the hospital. It was worse than I could have imagined.

PAM
"Things always get worse before they get better."

MAX
I guess... but Chris had to have both his legs amputated. I just... I feel so horrible. So racked with guilt.

MAX is lost in his tortured thoughts. PAM shuffles back over to her tearaway calendar. She begins flipping through them, desperate to find an applicable quote.

PAM
Hey, buster brown! Look here. "Time heals all wounds."

MAX
Not amputations, Mom! Those don't heal! Legs don't just grow back! No matter how long you wait. I just... I can't believe I caused all this. Why the hell did I go drunk driving that night? Why am I so stupid, so goddamned stupid.

PAM
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?"

MAX
But Chris is far worse off now than he ever was...

PAM
No, just... aha! "With great power comes great responsibility."

MAX
That's what they told us the first day in driving school! Oh god, what have I done...

MAX begins wailing sobs. PAM flips through the calendar.

PAM
I just, oh for pete's sake, c'mon! Ah! Here. "C'est la vie."

A pause. A dark awareness sweeps across MAX's face.

MAX
Yes... I suppose you're right. Heh. "Such is life." Though I am no francophile, those words ring true. Nothing matters. Nothing matters in this stinking pisspot of a planet - we are all just delusional, violent animals floating on a rock in the unfeeling, entropic void of space. All we do is hurt. Hurt each other. Hurt this planet. Hurt ourselves. My life is already tarnished. My soul is already blackened. A mass extinction is necessary, and I am it's arbiter. I am the Angel of Death. I am the Divine Hammer. This world begs for a mercy killing and I will be its butcher.

MAX absently drifts out out of the room. 

PAM
(Calling after MAX)
The road to hell is paved with good intentions!"

PAM puts her hands on her hips, shakes her head, and gives a long, warm sigh. She walks back to the sandwiches and resumes cutting and storing the crusts.

PAM
You know what they say about parenting...

PAM licks a glob of mayonnaise of the knife.

PAM
It's like nailing Jell-o to a tree!

The camera iris-ins on PAM (a la 1950's television), creating a small pinhole around her smiling face. 1950's big band credit music sweeps in. Behind PAM in the iris, we see JOEY hopping up into frame, waving an RX bottle.

JOEY
Mom! Mom! Mary won't wake up!

PAM doesn't react, she continues staring down the barrel of the camera, holding a perfectly, eerily still smile.

JOEY
Mom? Mom! Mom, she needs to go to the hospital!

The music swells and increases in volume into no noise is audible, only JOEY jumping up and down, mutely screaming and tugging on PAM's hair. He is pulling it hard, visibly tugging at the flesh of her scalp. The music grows to a volume that sounds like an inaudible wall of sound. The pain is so great that PAM looks down, with a brief look of crazed scorn. The scene immediately goes black. The words "The End" are spelled across the screen in old-timey cursive font. The abrasive wall of sound plays on.

End scene